something so appropriate

When I first registered this blog I was sort of tired of the whole blog scene. I had been doing it for years (way before it was a popular thing that blogging engines made popular and easy). Eventually I grew tired of paying for my own website and doing the graphic design for a new layout every time I felt the need to express a new moment in my life. After a couple of years of having a blog hosted by myself, I spent a few years writing at Xanga. When I came to blogger I was worn out and wanted something new. I spent a couple of weeks pondering what I would call my new blog and eventually settled on "bring on the fear so i can find my courage." The idea came from the novel Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan. "I find my greatest strength in wanting to be strong. I find my greatest bravery in deciding to be brave. ... If there's no feeling of fear, then ther's no need for courage." At the time I was sitting pretty at Illinois College--resting comfortably on my dad's checkbook and the experience three years in one place brings. I guess you could say I saw Levithan's concept as something noble. In retrospect, I don't tink I could have judged how important the title of this blog would be. Now I sit in my studio apartment in Ames, Iowa, two months into my first semester of grad school. I pay my own bills according to a budget that I haven't followed. I find myself awoken in a cold sweat worried about money or a lesson plan for the next day that I am not sure will work. I ride the bus and I eat lots of tuna (it's cheap you know) and haven't bought a new article of clothing for at least a month. Most of all though, I worry about where my life is going. Continuing one's education in hopes of getting a better job is nice. Being a part of the education process for younger students is great. Not being a garbace collector or a factory worker is peachy. But really, what is it all worth if you aren't surrounded by amazing people? I find myself looking into the past at all the great times and wondering why they have been mostly absent since I moved here. I know the adage that you don't recognize the good times until you look at them in retrospect, but sometimes that doesn't seem good enough. I have had good friends, I have had great friends, now I want a boyfriend. I want someone to share my life with, even if the sharing only lasts for a week. I want that experience. Wanting doesn't do anything, and if I am not careful, I will end up barking up the wrong tree. I am just lonely and every once in a while, I want that loneliness to stop.

ice storm

"The Jacksonville area has had an ice storm that caused campus power outages for about forty-five minutes. Lights and heat have been restored to the main residence halls. Some off campus locations remain without power. Students in these buildings are being relocated to halls that do have power. Please check back on Monday for further updates. "

When they say some of the off campus locations, they really mean two foreign language houses and an entire apartment complex...200 students total? Two inches of ice on the ground now. More freezing rain the next two days. All on oncampus events (including tutoring hours) have been canceled and all students are requested to stay indoors as much as possible. I spent the day watching trees fall in my neighborhood...will there be finals? I hope not.

marc quoted in the peoria news

http://www.hoinews.com/News/news_story.aspx?id=71664

Today I received a $3,000 award based on volunteerism and advocacy in the homosexual community. The awards banquet was in Peoria and I was interviewed by one of the local news stations. I am misquoted in the above link and the amounts of the awards given out are wrong, but still, it is kind of exciting. Perhaps they will post a video clip like they said they would.

scary

I had a scary moment today. I realized that I could not remember the last time I had taken my daily antidepressant/antianxiety medication. It was at work and I ended up being quite distracted throughout my entire shift. Realizing there is a reason for the steady, broken feeling of a long-lasting depressive mood is however semi-liberating.

When I got home though, I couldn't find my meds. The last time I took them (sometime early last week) they were on the dining room table. Stephen would never move my meds more than a few feet, just as I would never move his--it is a room mate pact. I know he didn't move them. I moved them. I put them somewhere, shuffled them to the side, got them lost in a pile of something. I couldn't find them and I couldn't find them. I swear I thought I was going to die from panic. I ended up cleaning my entire room in hopes they were lost under a pile of clothing. In the end I found a sample pack of the pills and took two of those to make my regular dosage. I don't feel panic anymore, but I am still in my mood--my funk.

I just realized the pills are most likely in the trunk of my car. Living out of a random car in order to make all of homecoming run smoothly never bodes well for keeping one's life organized.

Time to read--this week I am focusing on my honors thesis. Next week: who knows.

sometimes I don't know how to deal with emotions

So, every time I start to look through pictures of Paris, I get a strange twist in my stomach that won't go away. It feels like I left a part of my life behind and haven't been able to pick it up again. How could I pick it up again? It is four thousand miles away. It hurts too much to do it.

fed up

Honesty is a hard trick to master, one that I have never been good at mastering. Lately I have felt like I stay indoors--sometimes in my back bedroom--in order to lie to myself. If I am lounging around in sweats or athletic shorts and old tees, I don't have to face the fact that I am not so slowly expanding out of my clothing--almost all of my clothing. I don't have to face that reality if I don't get dressed.

I need to get over it and start being honest. During the course of the summer I did some good things. I managed to quit smoking for almost a month, I kept my apartment clean and tidy and I even went spinning regularly for a few weeks. What happened? I certainly have fell into a slump which is unbelievably frustrating. Right now I feel like yelling at myself. "The only want to break that chain of frustration is to make a dramatic change and actually follow through with it you dumbass!"

I need to start exercising again. I need to keep my living environment clean. I need to quit smoking once and for all. I need to stop hiding anxiety and frustration behind alcohol.

Wish me luck.

Missing Paris

It isn't a sappy "Aw, wish I were back there," but rather a deep and hollow pain that starts in my chest and radiates outward until my upper arms are numb and I am dizzy and short of breath. It happens every time I open up a photo album and see all the friends I made in Paris--the friends that I am no longer in close contact with. I see them smiling and the backdrop isn't a Jacksonville bar or some lame party, it is the grand canal at Versailles or the crowded caves of Bar Trois. It just makes me think.

Somewhere along the line--probably when I was in Paris--I forgot how damn lucky I was to be there. It isn't that I have tons of regrets, but I do wish I had lived every day there like I was the luckiest kid on the planet because that is how I feel when I look back. I feel that if I hadn't taken it so much for granted I wouldn't feel so much of this pain and sadness now.

I could say that hindsight is 20/20 and not be lying, but I also wouldn't be hitting the truth on the head. That paltry little phrase doesn't take me back to Paris and it certainly doesn't give me any comfort when I start feeling this sappy. Paris was something I prepared for for more than a year. I spent more than a year of my life pumping myself up so I would have the courage to step onto the plane and in the end--I did it. I have immense satisfaction that I did it, but also immense sadness that a year and a half of preparation ended in four months--four months filled with more turbulent emotion that should be physically possible.

I guess that is it. I am not ready to deal with that emotion--or the magnitude of that emotion.