I am a crier. I always have been. I've spent most of today crying on the couch. For three reasons.
First off, I'm watching Julie and Julia which is quite possibly one of the most uplifting movies about living life with dignity, poise, and purpose. If you haven't seen it, it's about a woman in crisis who saves herself from herself via an epic quest through Julia Child's recipes. I think Julia Child's life is inspirational--an overly tall, gangly, outspoken (and sonorously offputting) woman conquering the world by finding purpose. And then there's my whole "I'm always mind-numbingly, pin-prickly aware that everything comes to an end" shtick that is boiled down to its essence by movies that end in an epilogue. Sappy feelings mean that I shed a tear or two. Almost always.
But this movie is particularly prescient today because the dignified, poised, and purposeful life theme practically bangs on the strings of my current life plan--the thing that is, in my mind, supposed to make fill my life with dignity, poise, and purpose. In the past two weeks I've received four rejections to PhD programs and two rejections to full-time jobs in the area. It hurts to admit that, even in writing on a blog that I rarely write in and is rarely read by anyone. I think it hurts because there is some crazy idea that, in this country, if you can't accomplish your dreams, there is something acutely wrong with you. Right now I feel stalled, like my dreams aren't happening. And I feel empty and worthless.
The third reason is always the underlying reason behind my tears--my mother. On days like today, when the bubble of hope starts rapidly deflating leaving behind empty feelings, I want to talk to my mother. I want to know what she would say to me. The world was different when she was alive--I was younger, floating in the carefree years of youth where there are very few occasions for rejection if you work hard.
It's not like that these days. And so I'm waiting for one more decision from one more school and I'm going to be trying very, very hard to wait with something resembling dignity, poise, and purpose because I can't keep waiting around for my mother to spring back to life or for a PhD program to decide I've made the cut or for a college to decide I'd be a fantastic teacher.
Or maybe I'll just find a bottle of wine.
1 comment:
I am a crier too. Perhaps you get it from me. I hate that you have had to go through so many rejections but I guess it will help you appreciate all the acceptances you have had and WILL continue to have. I wish I could take the place of the "mom" you lost. I wish you could see your worth as I do. I wish how I see it made a difference to you. I do know that mom was strong and she would want you to be too. I know that mom was tough and when the going got tough she rolled up her sleeves and kept on keeping on. She would expect that of you too. When she got bad news, she indulged in a few minutes of crying too, though she didn't often let anyone see that but then she would dry her tears and plan her next move. I think she would give that same advice to you. If you be still and listen with your heart, perhaps, you will hear mom speak to you as she does to me at times. We don't know what the future holds, but we know who holds the future. Keep the faith and work the trip waiting for that special place He has carved for you. I love you Marc. Dad
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