something so appropriate

When I first registered this blog I was sort of tired of the whole blog scene. I had been doing it for years (way before it was a popular thing that blogging engines made popular and easy). Eventually I grew tired of paying for my own website and doing the graphic design for a new layout every time I felt the need to express a new moment in my life. After a couple of years of having a blog hosted by myself, I spent a few years writing at Xanga. When I came to blogger I was worn out and wanted something new. I spent a couple of weeks pondering what I would call my new blog and eventually settled on "bring on the fear so i can find my courage." The idea came from the novel Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan. "I find my greatest strength in wanting to be strong. I find my greatest bravery in deciding to be brave. ... If there's no feeling of fear, then ther's no need for courage." At the time I was sitting pretty at Illinois College--resting comfortably on my dad's checkbook and the experience three years in one place brings. I guess you could say I saw Levithan's concept as something noble. In retrospect, I don't tink I could have judged how important the title of this blog would be. Now I sit in my studio apartment in Ames, Iowa, two months into my first semester of grad school. I pay my own bills according to a budget that I haven't followed. I find myself awoken in a cold sweat worried about money or a lesson plan for the next day that I am not sure will work. I ride the bus and I eat lots of tuna (it's cheap you know) and haven't bought a new article of clothing for at least a month. Most of all though, I worry about where my life is going. Continuing one's education in hopes of getting a better job is nice. Being a part of the education process for younger students is great. Not being a garbace collector or a factory worker is peachy. But really, what is it all worth if you aren't surrounded by amazing people? I find myself looking into the past at all the great times and wondering why they have been mostly absent since I moved here. I know the adage that you don't recognize the good times until you look at them in retrospect, but sometimes that doesn't seem good enough. I have had good friends, I have had great friends, now I want a boyfriend. I want someone to share my life with, even if the sharing only lasts for a week. I want that experience. Wanting doesn't do anything, and if I am not careful, I will end up barking up the wrong tree. I am just lonely and every once in a while, I want that loneliness to stop.